How Yoga Changed My
Life by Heather Fougnier
When I was in the initial stages of my recovery, I started
taking yoga – somewhat reluctantly. In my fast-paced,
workaholic days, I only valued fast-paced workouts –
I felt like yoga would be too slow and boring. Yet I was
curious about the benefits of yoga for eating disorders
recovery and stress reduction. Not sure where to begin,
I did some research on local studios and types of yoga.
If you’ve ever looked into yoga before, you are probably
familiar with what I found – about a dozen different
styles, all purporting different benefits.
Selecting My Style
So how did I decide which type was for me? Well, given
my penchant for the moving quickly, I selected Ashtanga
yoga. It was described as a vigorous style of yoga, which
appealed to my – at the time – aerobic-oriented
snobbery. Somehow, I roped my husband into going with
me, so I had moral support as I entered into this mysterious
realm of incense, chanting music and relaxation.
Something’s Afoot
The first thing I remember worrying about was having to
be barefoot. I’d never been a big fan of my feet,
so I was feeling pretty vulnerable about airing them to
a roomful of students. This simple, silly realization
was one of the first awakeners for me. My husband could
care less about feet or any other of his body parts –
wouldn’t even think twice about it. And here I was,
spending mental energy on worrying about baring my feet
in class. The awakener was how much mental energy I was
spending on worrying about body parts in general. This
intense focus and sometimes, fear, of judgment about my
body was a major contributor to disordered eating patterns.
In order to move forward with yoga,
I had to let go of this fear of my showing my feet. And
after the first few classes, I did. I even started to
like my feet – once self-judged as wide and stubby
– they soon became valued for their stability in
balancing poses. It wasn’t just my feet that I started
valuing though – it was my body overall. As I moved
my body, synchronized with my breath, I became aware of
my strength, my flexibility and my courage to try new
things. With each new pose, or variation on a pose, I
took new risks – that I might fall, do it wrong –
and more often, find a new level of grace in my relationship
with gravity.
Coming Out of My Shell
I went in as a shy, quiet student and found myself blossoming
in class. Yoga is like body-centered psychology. It takes
dedication and commitment to a practice, even if you feel
like you “can’t do it right” or “aren’t
good enough.” With commitment comes advances –
but the key is: you “stay on your own mat,”
comparing yourself with only your SELF. So here I was,
so used to comparing myself to others (another component
of judgment), giving this up as I stepped on my mat. I
forced myself to keep my eyes focused for concentration
and balance, looking at no one to see if I was “good
enough.” And leaving my judgment at the door, I felt
free to be more of who I really was.
Mood Magic
Another discovery was yoga’s effect on my moods.
As I placed my awareness on my breath, the poses, my focal
point and my alignment – there was no space left
for mind chatter. All the thoughts I had clamoring in
my head during the day would melt away as I danced to
my breath, listening only for the calls from my teacher
and feeling the energy of my classmates. It was a beautiful,
calming, stabilizing and flowing rhythm – and often
transformed any low moods to a feeling of bliss.
I learned that our bodies hold
emotions and as we release tensions and move further into
our yoga practice, these emotions release. Sometimes,
people would cry in yoga, having released some strong
emotion. While that never happened to me, I did exorcise
many demons on my mat, breathing them out as I moved from
pose to pose.
Releasing Old Beliefs
Surprisingly, I found strength and challenge in yoga –
trumping my once superior aerobic orientation and recognizing
the value of this mind, body, spirit fitness. My body
became stronger, my mind became calmer – and both
body and mind found greater flexibility than I’d
had before. I started leaving work earlier to make it
to my yoga class, banishing my workaholic ways in the
name of chasing my bliss. At work, people were asking
me questions about yoga, noticing my new habits and envying
my new calm. Combining yoga and recovery gave me a glow
that looked to others like the fountain of youth –
and they wanted to learn more about the source.
Beauty Takes A Backseat
Over the course of the year, I started to make plans to
change my lifestyle, to leave my job and create the life
I’d built my vision around. Somewhere during this
time, I was startled to find that in packing for business
trips, I’d choose my yoga mat over my blow dryer
and flat iron, if short on space. Once so concerned with
how I looked, I was much more concerned with how I felt.
My Own Voice
And so I evolved on my mat and in my life, opening up
to the wonder of hearing my own voice and valuing my own
experience. Yoga taught me to listen to my own voice,
observe my body, to drop my judgment and to focus on the
present moment. Most of all, it taught me to be grateful
to this body, to this life – and that there is more
out there than I could ever imagine – if only I would
show up and be present.
